im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
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Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.