every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
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Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Quadruple digit IQ
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
me hooking up with my ex
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
AM I BEING GASLIT????
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”