*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
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We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.