3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
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You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.