What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
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Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
And now we wait
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.