Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
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I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks