*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
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I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out