WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
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Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
#Caturday
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.