Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
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Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
who wants to go expliring
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Otters drive ottermobiles.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
live long and prosper!