doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
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I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
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I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted