Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
You Might Also Like
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Just got to our Airbnb!
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
New mindset, who dis?
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them