[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
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My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me