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My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist