Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
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“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Me checking my bank balance online.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?