Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
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Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
my first day as a raccoon
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I can’t wait!
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.