People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
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Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
my sentiments exactly
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.