How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
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Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
do what now??
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.