My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
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“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do