Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
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Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go