Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
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eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books