[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
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A wise man once said nothing.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
something like this could probably happen to anyone
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.