My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
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You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”