<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
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power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
🍞🦆
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I’m a self-made hundredaire
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Monday
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me