Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
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My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
hear me out : pockets for your socks
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
“What movie?” 🤔
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
this is the news I live for
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman