Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
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My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.