A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
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*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.