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If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower