My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
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When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?