My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
You Might Also Like
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.