A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
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When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.