Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
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my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
This is the one
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.