I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
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878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.