going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
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Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
what’s really going on