According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
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[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?