My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
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Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
WWE is French for “yes”
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Doctors texting each other.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.