Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
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I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.