The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
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“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot