There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
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Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
jesus, what did this guy do
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.