If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
You Might Also Like
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting