#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
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Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Just me?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.