Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
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Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART