“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
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I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month