[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
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She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern