Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
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instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?