Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
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[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
*seductively eats two tums*
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Worth remembering.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE