I’m going to need a moment here.
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boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Thursday
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
In case you needed to hear it:
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?