No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
You Might Also Like
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Happy Caturday!
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.