I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
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Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
LMAO.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?