*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
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What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people