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I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.